And I lay there. In the blackest dark. Terrified. Never felt that scared before. As the last memories died down. And what comes next? My mind cluttered with unpleasant things. I must fall asleep before its to late. Before I’m awake to long. Because then, I won’t be able to fall asleep. And that is the worse.

But the lonely hours dragged on. And lay there. Terrified to move. To think. My heart was pounding against the pillow. I was sweating. Holding my breath forever. My thoughts ran endlessly across the corridors of my mind. This was my worst nightmare, to have dreams, nightmares this bad. To have things get this far. Was everything I ever feared.

As it replayed, repeat and echoed.. Again and again. I lay there. There was no stop button. No way out. And I began to realize. To piece together the lucid dream. And it was so clear. Such a vivid dream. I remember everything. Oh no. I hope I won’t get scared. That the dream will open my door right now. And come after me. I tried my best to not think.

But no. the dream was over. It really was. I was just afraid. Scared of what this all meant. The definition of it. Me having such dreams. The world shouldn’t be like this. The world shouldn’t be so cruel. I wanted comfort. My friends telling me it’s ok. Because I felt so forlorn. I was already imaging how I would tell them. How much my dreams bothered me. And I thought of him. Almost wishing. That he knew more. That he cared. No. no I didn’t. “Tanya your feeling sorry for your self” my head told me. Never feel sorry for yourself. This had nothing to do with him. And I searched my mind for ideas.

Oh why aren’t I asleep yet? I tried to continue the dream. Its was fine now. He died and I awoke. Now I have to think of the after math. What happens next. Just abide the dream. To go back to sleep. To resume the peaceful night. To fade back into the dream. To seep back to sleep. But that wasn’t working. I was awake for to long to dream. Damn it. And the dream went on replaying. It was horrifying. And how it all connected with my real life. I hated this situation. This direction or position? And wished it never happened. That I never had such dreams. I felt the wet tears roll down my face. As I lay there. Looking up at the ceiling. Just as the girl in the dream.  Her caramel hair spread out on the sheets. With lovely eyes. And the light light pink lips. The color of blushed warm cheeks or perhaps maybe a rare flower blooming only in the winter.. And how it turned slight grey at the corners of her mouth. A soft brush with grey pink outlining her features. Creating a pretty shape of her lips. And only now tears reaching my ears. I noticed the pale blue light that illuminated the room lightly. In a dull way. But it was still to dark to tell the time. I lay there. For a long time.

The blue light was a bit lighter. Why haven’t I noticed it before? That such a color was so pretty. Long hours have passed. And I haven’t fallen asleep yet. No matter what I tried. I couldn’t close my eyes. To relax a bit. I was too scared to put my head under the blanket. But I was cold. Sweating. But there was such a chill. My muscles acted for being so tense. And my mind races on.

Finally I hear mom getting up. But I still acted for comfort. And I lay there, as she woke up Jacob. Hush voices talking. And got him ready for school. I listen to him reply, yelling after she told him to hurry up.  Then how mom would whisper goodbye. And I waited for them to go out side so it would be quiet. But then the dog barked and wined. I forgot how much he loved my mother. Why couldn’t I fall asleep. Yes I was still hoping for that. Then my phone vibrated. And as I ignored it, changing positions again. Forcing my eyes to close.

My mother continued to tell me to wake up. And I got tired to ignore her. I have to get up already? The night suddenly collaborated into a sort space. I hardly had time to think! Why cant it be the weekend,where I can sleep till noon? After some time I finally got up. And sat there on the tiled floor. The shower steaming around me. I only listened to the sound. To separate me from the world. From reality. The warmth. Finally. A sliver of comfort. Because this morning was incredibly cold. I was in another place. Filled with the thought of my dream. As the water poured on me.

And nothing else mattered. I knew of nothing else. I was still terrified. Caught in a net of ghastly things. Remembering of the tossing and turning of the night. It was as if I was not yet awake. Still baffled by slumber. Even thought I couldn’t sleep during my lonely hours.

And then as the day unravelled. The place still reeked of unpleasantness. But the shock imperceptibly wore off. And I realized life went on. That this was real. And that was dreams . And that this had nothing to do with that. And the world continued to turn. As the sun climbed higher. And shone brighter.